‘We need to show more compassion towards people with narcissism’
Is your ex a narcissist too? The term “narcissist” is often wrongly used as a swear word, says Frans Schalkwijk, professor emeritus at the University of Amsterdam (UvA). He recently wrote the book De onvoorstelbare wereld van narcisme. On Wednesday 7 October, he will be speaking about this at Spui25.
People are labelled as narcissists at the drop of a hat. But when can you actually say that someone is a narcissist? As a psychotherapist and during his years as a professor by special appointment at the University of Amsterdam (UvA), Frans Schalkwijk has encountered many cases of narcissism.
What makes this condition – for that is what it is – so intriguing and problematic is that not only does the person themselves suffer from it, but it also has a profound impact on those around them and can even lead to violence. At the same time, someone with narcissism is often unable to recognise that they have it. In his book De onvoorstelbare wereld van narcisme (The Unimaginable World of Narcissism), Schalkwijk attempts to provide an insight into the inner world of someone with narcissism. And, he argues, we should all show a little more compassion towards them.
In your book, you write that the term “narcissist” is often used as a swear word. How should we actually view people with narcissism?
“We mustn’t confuse the person with the clinical condition. So someone isn’t a narcissist, but suffers from narcissism.”
“This morning, from my window, I saw someone cycling at breakneck speed against the flow of traffic on one of those electric bikes. Then I thought: that’s a dirty narcissist. That’s when you use it as a slur. Which is sometimes done with (ex-)partners too. You can do that, but it doesn’t help you to understand someone. If you want to understand someone, you have to delve into who they are and ask yourself: what’s really going on inside them? If you do that, you’ll develop compassion.”
How can be compassionate towards someone with narcissism?
“The life of a narcissistic person is a very lonely one. Because you’re always on your guard. In fact, you spend a great deal of time alone. It’s not a pool of self-love where you’re constantly thinking: “I really do love myself.” You’re constantly in a sort of struggle with those around you just to be loved.”
“The most important thing to realise – and this might sound very strange – is that the person isn’t aware of it themselves. When, as a therapist, I ask: “Do you realise that you’re always devaluing everyone, including me?”, someone with narcissism will react by saying: “What on earth are you talking about?””
“But what is important is this: you can feel compassion for someone’s suffering, but that person remains responsible for their actions. If someone behaves rudely or even maliciously, there’s no excuse for it.”
How do you know someone is a true narcissist?
“I recognise it by a very fragile sense of self that is masked by a grandiose sense of self. When a person lives in a world where they believe they need no one, in a sort of state of grandeur. You can see it in their whole manner of being. Behaviour is part of that, but it’s about the core of a person, and that is often hidden.”
“It’s a spectrum of severity. There are people who have it to some extent and struggle at times when it really comes to the fore, whilst at other times they can function perfectly well. Then there are people for whom it’s more extreme, and everything revolves around maintaining that grandiose self-image. But there’s no such thing as healthy narcissism; it’s really a dynamic where something has gone wrong.”
What is life like for someone with narcissism?
“People with narcissism often don’t realise they have it. They’re simply the way they are. They think they can do everything themselves, and if anything goes wrong, it’s because others have let them down. It’s all about winning and losing. The person with narcissism always has to have the last word; otherwise, they’ve lost.”
“They live in their own world; others have to adapt to it. If that world view is challenged, intense emotions can arise that are almost impossible to control. That’s because they’ve been struck at their very core. They lack nuance in their emotions. If someone says something is black, it’s black, but if they say something is grey, it’s still black. Anything can be taken as an insult, and that actually makes them very vulnerable.”
“People with narcissism often lie. Not because they want to lie, but because they want to adapt reality to how they experience it. A simple example is this: a man comes home and his wife asks what he’s been drinking. There was no fuss about it otherwise. He says he’s had wine, when in fact it was beer. He does this so he can continue to live in his own world, which she doesn’t know about. Partners mustn’t know their reality because that feels unsafe to them.”
“If you have narcissism, you struggle with intimacy in relationships. Adultery is common among people with severe narcissism. The moral choices made are determined by what they mean for one’s self-image. And that image is: I am amazing. Cheating confirms this because you have conquered someone.”
How does narcissism develop?
“We cannot say with certainty where it comes from. It could have something to do with genetics or with parenting style. Another group argues that it stems from early development; I agree with that view.”
“I think it’s about the emotional deprivation people experience in their childhood. From infancy, children need to interact with adults to begin to understand the world; they need to learn to recognise emotions. Parents need to reflect that back to them. If that doesn’t go well, the child feels: “I can focus on you, but it’s actually always disappointing.” Time and again, their sense of insecurity isn’t allayed, and that’s confusing. As a result, a child starts to withdraw from relationships, lives in their own world and doesn’t want to engage in reciprocal interactions.”
Frans Schalkwijk (1957) was appointed Professor by Special Appointment of Forensic Orthopaedagogy, specialising in the development of conscience, in 2019. He has since retired. However, he still teaches the course ‘Development of Conscience’ at the University of Amsterdam (UvA). Since 1983, he has also run his own practice as a psychoanalyst and psychotherapist.
On 23 September 2026, his book The Unimaginable World of Narcissism was published. Price: €23.99.
Schalkwijk will be speaking about his book at Spui25 on Wednesday 7 October 2026 from 8.00 pm.
People with narcissistic traits can have a particular appeal. Can you explain that?
“It’s very tempting to have a partner who says: “I can look after you, I know everything, I’ve got everything under control.” If you’re feeling vulnerable in some way, then someone with narcissistic traits is your knight in shining armour, certainly at the start of the relationship. For someone with narcissism, winning over the other person is proof of their own greatness. So at the start of the relationship, you’re put on a pedestal and idealised. Who wouldn’t love that? But as time goes on, you become just an ordinary person and start to fall short of expectations. Then you no longer live up to the idealised image. The narcissist continues to live in their own grandiose world, whilst you are the disappointing partner.”
“Someone who enters into a relationship with a narcissist often has their own vulnerabilities. If you’re well-balanced, you’ll quickly sense that they’re a wonderful, flamboyant person, but you won’t enter into the relationship. Partners of narcissists often remain tied to them. Sometimes this is due to a sense of their own grandeur, thinking: “That previous girlfriend didn’t manage it, but I can change him.””
So what often goes wrong in a relationship with someone who has narcissism?
“When you live with someone who has narcissism, you’re constantly drawn into that world and have to adapt and conform to it. Some partners say: “I’ve lost sight of who I am and what I’m capable of. It’s as if I have no ground beneath my feet.” The problems often arise mainly because there’s a lack of reciprocity.”
But not everyone’s ex is a narcissist, are they?
“You can use “narcissism” as a slur and pin it on your partner, for example if someone is a poor listener. But to diagnose narcissism, you need to see a clear pattern of those inner dynamics. It’s not just a matter of being less sociable or selfish. We don’t know exactly how common narcissism is, but it’s estimated to affect 1 per cent of the population.”
“Someone might simply come across as very self-assured. But if that person is also able to listen to others, take criticism on board and show genuine interest in others, it isn’t narcissism.”
As a therapist, can you help someone with narcissism?
“The difficult thing about treating someone with narcissism is that they don’t recognise it themselves. They are often referred by an employer, colleague or partner, but they themselves think: “I don’t belong here and I don’t want to be dependent.””
“You can only help by showing compassion; that’s absolutely essential. You have to be very patient, take your time and be able to cope with being put on the back foot. Gradually, you have to try to gain access to the person’s emotional world, in the hope that a glimmer of a desire for reciprocity will emerge.”
“When they experience their loneliness in therapy, a period of mourning inevitably sets in. Then they think: “What have I missed out on, and how have I let the people around me down?””
