Hicham El Ouahabi | The fear of people’s opinions
We are in the midst of a FOPO epidemic, writes columnist Hicham El Ouahabi: the fear of people’s opinions. “Taking up less space than you would like, speaking more cautiously than you would deep down or smoothing over what was actually allowed to scuff.”
FOPO. When I first heard the word recently, I seriously thought it was a Korean drink. One of those brightly coloured cans with bubbles. Don’t ask me why, but that was my first association. But FOPO is not a drink. FOPO stands for Fear of Other People’s Opinions. The fear of what others think of you, which makes you constantly adjust your behaviour and opinions and make yourself smaller.
Sounds abstract perhaps, so let me make it concrete. An overdose of FOPO brings to mind the student who begins every question to a teacher with a ‘sorry’. By the way, I have sincerely never understood that. You pay nota bene thousands of euros to study, and then say sorry when you ask for something back. On the other hand, with a total lack of FOPO, you have to think of a rioter who demolishes a coffee machine at the UvA, imagining himself to be an activist fighting for justice. Spoiler: you don’t. You are just a jerk with demolition urges.
I suspect everyone recognises FOPO in themselves to a greater or lesser extent. Taking up less space than you’d like, talking more cautiously than you would deep down, or smoothing over what was actually allowed to chafe. But also sending “haha” while your face is as tight as a trampoline. Or not posting that one photo of yourself online after all because you expect it won’t go down well. They are small things, but they say a lot about how anxious we actually are.
According to US psychologist Michael Gervais, we are in the midst of a FOPO epidemic. Not a pandemic, fortunately. We only just survived that one. Yet FOPO is at least as tough. It seems to really hamper your choices, causes stress, fretting, and makes you miss opportunities. Looking at it this way, maybe even worse than a pandemic. At least those only last a few years. FOPO can hold your whole life hostage.
Social media is often cited as a cause or amplifying factor. And there is certainly something to be said for that, although it is only part of the story. It starts much earlier, in upbringing, where you learn that consideration for others is a virtue. And it is, because that's how you develop empathy and learn to make friends. And therein lies immediately the paradox. The more you adapt out of fear of being accepted, the more likely people are to dislike you. Because at the bottom line, what we really value is authenticity. So Gervais says: the first rule of success is not to care what others think. I partly agree with him: less doubt and a bit more guts will get you a long way.
At the same time, I believe the fear of what others think can also have something useful. It makes you sharper. You don’t want to appear stupid, so you prepare better, pay attention to details, think things through. It can lead to discipline, but also simply to belonging and thus survival. Ultimately, it comes down to not being a fear monger, but also not being an egomaniac. In other words, finding your place somewhere between the sorry-saying student and the rioter.
Since I have come to know the concept of FOPO, I see it everywhere. Or rather, I recognise the mechanism, in others as well as myself. Enriching? Mwah. Especially confrontational. And then I think: if only FOPO were just a Korean drink. Don’t ask me why.
