Breaking with your family? “Your family is a cocktail, you have to decide whether you like it”
Breaking ties with your family. When do you do that? UvA psychology alumnus, journalist and expert by experience Haroon Ali wrote a book about it. The Dutch Het blijft toch je familie? (It’s still your family, isn’t it?) is emphatically not a manual, but an encouragement to thoroughly re-examine the concept of “family”.
During a brief telephone conversation with UvA alumnus Haroon Ali to arrange a date for the interview, he excuses himself for a moment. The vet is calling about his dog. Later, the pieces of the puzzle fall into place. Together with Haroon’s boyfriend, the dog is part of the nuclear family, the warm home he created because he missed that in his parental home.
Family is what you make of it, Haroon seems to be saying in his new book Het blijft toch je familie? (It’s still your family, isn’t it?), in which he, together with a biologist, philosopher, minister and grief expert, among others, puts the concept of “family” on the operating table. The book is based on his own experiences with his estranged Pakistani-Dutch family, but it also features other experts and psychologists.
On Tuesday evening, 25 November at 8 p.m., Haroon Ali will present his (Dutch) book Het blijft toch je familie (It’s still your family) at the academic-cultural debate centre Spui25. There he will talk to fellow writers Malou Holshuijsen and Abbie Chalgoum about complex family ties. Due to high demand, the event has been moved to the Aula. Oude Lutherse Kerk. You can register here.
Haroon, why did you want to write this book?
“I come from a rather fragmented family myself, so I have a personal fascination with the subject. Exactly a year ago, I discovered that a lot was being written in America about breaking ties with your family. Millennials (born between 1981 and 1996, ed.) and Gen Zers (born between 1997 and 2012, ed.) in particular were said to be more likely to “break up with their parents” because they are quicker to set boundaries or want to protect their mental health. I felt that this was judgemental. As if it were a very easy decision to make and as if the younger generations were overly sensitive. That was reason enough for me to delve deeper into the subject. I wanted to find out why people break ties with their families and show that there are many cases in which this is entirely understandable.”
Why is there a taboo on breaking ties with your family?
“Because we attach so much value to family. You share a genetic bond, but there are also all kinds of ideas attached to that, such as that you have to take care of each other and spend Christmas together. A lot of it has been drummed into us. Family is very formative, but also in a bad way. It’s not that I want to say with this book, ‘go ahead and break with your family’, but it is a fact that it happens a lot.”
How often does it actually happen?
“That’s difficult to say. Some studies have been done here and there. But those figures are often outdated and it’s like comparing apples and oranges. Do you only look at the nuclear family, or also at rifts in the wider family or in blended families? And what do you mean by a rift: not seeing each other for a year, or never seeing each other again? The percentages vary greatly, from a few percent to sometimes ten, twenty or thirty percent. But almost everyone I spoke to could relate to it. Few families are perfect and flawless.”
Is it true that family relationships are more toxic today than they used to be?
“No, we just talk about them more and differently. Gen Zers in particular use psychological language and labels such as ADHD and autism more often to describe themselves and others. ‘Toxic’ is another label that is often used to describe unhealthy relationships, even though it is not a recognised term. I think it’s good that young people have more language at their disposal, but that often doesn’t help in conversations with their parents, because parents often don’t understand, or don’t want to understand, what young people are talking about. A word like “toxic” can unnecessarily come between people, which often only makes the conflict worse.’
Is the use of this psychological language actually a good development?
“I do think it’s good that young people are aware of psychological problems. Parents from previous generations did nothing about their psychological problems, but took it out on their children.”
Is that why young people are breaking with their parents more often than in the past?
“You can’t conclude that, because there is little hard data and little long-term research on these breaks.”
When is breaking with your family a good choice?
“I don’t want to pass judgement on that. You can’t compare suffering. However, when someone has been the victim of physical or sexual abuse, the outside world understands that you no longer want to see the perpetrator. In cases of emotional neglect and manipulation, that understanding becomes more difficult, because it is less tangible. But even then, someone can be completely destroyed by it. I think that’s just as valid a reason to distance yourself from your family. And there are other reasons too. The outside world often only sees a fraction of what goes on within a family.”
So there are no categories for when breaking ties is justified?
“No, it’s not a book of dos and don’ts, that would be strange. Every family situation is different. If you read this book and you have a dysfunctional family yourself, there’s bound to be something in it that you can relate to. And that can help you to think about what you should do next.”
Do you have any advice for students who are unsure whether to break ties with a family member?
“My advice would be to try to have a difficult conversation with that person in which you explain your boundaries. And seek professional help. If you decide to break off contact, make that clear to the person, for example by means of a letter.”
“That’s a kind of advice, haha. I notice that you’re really looking for handholds. And I’m also looking for anchors. We would all like clear guidelines on how to deal with family. But the subject is so personal and sensitive: there is simply no manual for family breakups. That would also be unethical. A family is like a cocktail with a combination of ingredients. And I have tried to name all those ingredients in this book. So it’s a different cocktail for everyone. You have to figure out for yourself what’s in your cocktail and whether you like it or not.”
One more question, do you have any tips for Christmas?
“For me, those days are always extremely stressful. There’s pressure everywhere to fulfil family obligations. Pressure to invest time, energy and money in Christmas parties, presents, dinners, cooking: it’s a pressure cooker for tension. What I often do is think of all the worst-case scenarios in advance, so that things can only turn out better than expected – although that’s not necessarily healthy. Or make a deal with yourself beforehand: if conflicts get too out of hand, I’ll leave. If your family makes you very unhappy, try to spend the holidays with people you feel good with, with whom you can create your own traditions. I do think you should avoid spending the holidays alone. So try to make the best of it. And soon it will be January again, and everything will be back to normal.”
Haroon Ali, Het blijft toch je familie. Eerste hulp bij gezinsbreuken (It’s still your family. First aid for family breakdowns).(De Bezige Bij, 2025). ISBN 978 94 031 36 745 Price: €19.99
