Wanted: friend (m/f): more than half of students feel lonely
Sitting in a lecture hall with hundreds of fellow students and still feeling lonely: many students who move to a new city to study find it difficult to make friends. “I often called and FaceTimed my parents when I felt lonely.”
Six years ago, Stephanie Zuiverloon (23) boarded a plane from Suriname to the Netherlands to study law at the UvA. Because she had missed the introduction week, the lecture hall was filled with unfamiliar faces on the first day of the academic year. She found it easy to make contact with her fellow students, but this remained within the walls of the university. In the evenings and weekends, she sat alone in her studio in Uilenstede – lonely.
It wasn’t that Stephanie didn’t click with her fellow students, but every time she tried to make friends, she hit an invisible ceiling. They never got further than having a cup of coffee together on campus. According to Stephanie, many students already have a close group of friends when they start university. “They know them from secondary school or from the introduction days, which I couldn’t attend. In that sense, most students are already set up.”
Stephanie did have a strong need for new friends to do fun things with, such as sitting on a terrace and going out. “I was quite emotional at the time. I often called and FaceTimed my parents when I felt lonely. Apart from a few family members who lived in the Netherlands, I had no one. My first year of study was very difficult.”
Transitional phase
Loneliness is a broader problem for students in Amsterdam. Research by the public health service GGD shows that in 2024, more than 60% of 16- to 25-year-olds in Amsterdam were ‘somewhat’ to ‘very’ lonely. Two types of loneliness can be distinguished: social loneliness and emotional loneliness. Social loneliness is the lack of contact with friends, family and acquaintances, while emotional loneliness refers to the lack of relationships and close bonds.
Associate professor Corine Dijk, who conducted research into loneliness among students at the UvA and VU, describes loneliness as a feeling of hunger: unpleasant, but functional. “Loneliness in its healthier form is often seen as a kind of drive that prompts you to seek social contact. Just as hunger disappears when you eat a sandwich, loneliness disappears as soon as you make social contact.” According to Dijk, it is not surprising that students in particular are so lonely. “Young people who move into student accommodation or move to a different city for the first time are in a transitional phase; people in such a phase often feel lonely.”
Dijk was surprised that a large proportion of the students in her study still felt lonely after six months. “This mainly points to emotional loneliness,” she explains. “They do have superficial contact, for example in the lecture hall, but they lack a deeper connection: someone who can help them move house or lend them a hundred pounds. It’s even worse when they don’t have anyone to do things with, like going to the cinema. That’s social loneliness.”
Communication Science student ZJ Meng (22) also felt lonely for a long time during her first year of study. She moved from China to the Netherlands two years ago, but says she didn’t know the social rules here. “I couldn’t fit in with my study group,” she says. When ZJ saw other students having a drink with friends, she wondered how they had managed to do that. “In the beginning, everything was new and fun, but that euphoric feeling quickly faded. That’s when I started to feel lonely. The worst thing is that I wasn’t able to enjoy my first year of study, even though I realise how privileged I am to be able to study here.”
Yoga buddy
Dijk observes that students who are lonely for a long time become less realistic about forming friendships. Building depth takes time, but people who crave friends often hope and expect friendships to develop more quickly. This can cause great disappointment and uncertainty in lonely people.
Dijk spoke to a lonely woman who met someone she clicked with in a yoga class. The next two times, they sat next to each other and chatted in the changing room. “When she arrived in the third week, her yoga buddy was talking to someone else. She was incredibly disappointed because that budding friendship was very important to her,” says Dijk. “She had unrealistic expectations. But it is precisely those kinds of early connections that require patience.” According to Dijk, this disappointment causes students who are already somewhat insecure or reserved to feel rejected, often unjustifiably so. “It also makes them more hesitant to form new friendships. That’s why it’s important for lonely students to remain realistic and not let themselves be discouraged.”
Solving the problem of loneliness among students is not solely their responsibility, according to Dijk. The university can also play a role in this. Many of the social activities organised by the UvA for students take place in large groups and are unintentionally geared towards extroverts. During the introduction weeks, for example, the introduction groups go to the pub several times. Dijk: “Students who naturally come to the fore or make contact easily would also manage without such organised activities. In fact, the wrong target group is being addressed.”
All Ears
Dijk therefore advocates more places where students who need social contact in smaller groups in a quiet environment can meet people. “The public library is a good example of this: it’s easy to strike up a conversation there. It’s perfectly normal to go there on your own to read the newspaper or a book. Yet it offers an opportunity to make contact in an accessible way.”
Lonely UvA students who need someone to listen to them can chat or call a volunteer from the All Ears helpline anonymously, seven days a week. The initiative was set up by psychology students from the UvA to offer students who are going through a difficult time the opportunity to tell their story and be heard. Based on the topics discussed in the chats, a spokesperson for All Ears concludes that loneliness is a common occurrence. “On average, two students a month specifically contact us to talk about loneliness.”
However, not all chatters and callers explicitly mention their feelings of loneliness. “Most lonely students – often internationals – say they find it difficult to make friends and connect with others. Dutch students often still have family and old friends nearby.” Dijk’s research also shows that international students are more lonely than Dutch students. “Loneliness among students has increased in recent years, but this can be entirely explained by the increase in international students.”
Social Blues
After a lonely first year of study, ZJ now spends her free time with friends. During the Social Blues workshop – in which lonely UvA students learn psychological techniques for making connections in a series of sessions – she met some nice new people. They have a group chat and regularly meet up to watch films or sing karaoke. “And I got a housemate, which changed everything.”
Stephanie now also has a rich social life. “A girl from my secondary school who also moved to the Netherlands advised me to join a study association.” When Stephanie joined The European Law Student Association, things started to happen: she got to know students at social events and their friends became her friends too. “I met my best friend there.”
Having social contacts is very important, believes ZJ: “They give you a sense of connection and support”. According to Stephanie, you can meet new people everywhere – she has experienced this first-hand. “During a Zumba class at the gym, I couldn’t keep up with the dance moves. Neither could another girl, so we both had to laugh and started talking. That’s how we became friends”. Stephanie advises other lonely students to strike up a conversation with anyone who seems nice. “If the contact remains superficial, just suggest doing something fun together. And do things: I never expected to meet a good friend at the gym.”
